why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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