I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
