babies were throwing up all over the place
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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