my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
