Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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