1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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