Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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