It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
