Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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