A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
