I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
