You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize