Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
