so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
