my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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