just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
