I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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