go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
