we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
