My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
