btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
