No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
