Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You are the jesus of drinking
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
