____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
