I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You smell like a Billy Joel song
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize