mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
