Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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