VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
my shit smells like andre
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
