I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
