I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
