What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
