My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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