No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
