260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
