mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
