his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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