what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
one might say we're banned from that church
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
