the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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