So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
