I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
