I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
