Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
