my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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