he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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