is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
