I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
