I should be sponsored by Trojan
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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