i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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