i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I love having hate sex.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize