Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
