First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
