I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
