Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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