i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize