apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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