So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
