What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
