I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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