I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
