Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(913): View more from Kansas

Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!

Fav 22 1591 3370
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(325): View more from Texas

Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.

Fav 13 3613 1467
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(404): View more from Georgia

I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today

Fav 31 6179 2250
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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.

Fav 15 6201 1851
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(214): View more from Texas

It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.

Fav 5 1866 1027
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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The key to alley sex is drunkeness.

Fav 7 2500 1107
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(616): View more from Michigan

Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on

Fav 10 1606 745
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(731): View more from Tennessee

Bring vodka when you get back from court.

Fav 0 37 3
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(316): View more from Kansas

Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?

(1-316): View more from Kansas

He has a very lickable chest

Fav 0 74 10
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