My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
