I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my being single is dangerous.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
