Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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