I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
