Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
