The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
