he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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