My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I looked at my own cervix.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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