So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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