drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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