Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Quick, to the slutcave!
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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