my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You were trust falling into bushes
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
