I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
