Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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